First off, it looked like they were wearing polka dots inside the stadium. Second, the sweaters themselves look like something your senile aunt knitted while binge listening to Toby Keith albums.
But most importantly: The turtlenecks … the high-priced preppy sweaters … the white pants.
Congratulations, America, you’re the villain in a raunchy ski comedy. Just go ahead and change your name to Blaine.
Put up a ceiling fan in the guest room over the holidays. Just hung a bare bulb from it until I could get around to finding a light kit. I was all proud of myself because there hadn’t even been a light there in the ceiling before. So I had to string wire over to it, install a new ceiling pan, put in a new dimmer switch with a separate control for fan and light, and it all worked out pretty smoothly.
After the new year, I went out and bought a light kit, brought it home, and found no conceivable way to attach it to the fan. The kit was looking for a standard crossbar or hollow threaded hole down the middle. My fan had none of that. I tried repeatedly to figure a way to jerry-rig it, but to no avail. So I took it back.
The opening below the fan is just shy of 4” and has three screw holes coming in from around the sides. I thought maybe I can just throw a socket in there and find a globe to fit the opening. Bought a 4” globe and brought that home. Nope. Too big around. Won’t fit.
I scoured the internet for something that could allow me to mount a light kit. Bought a “circular crossbar,” which, I reasoned, could go in the hole and be held in place by the three screws. Then my light kit can attach to that. After several days waiting for it to arrive- it was also too big around.
Finally, I found the box for the fan in the furnace room. Aha! The metal bottom piece that goes on the fan when you’re NOT using a light kit has a hole down the middle with a little plastic plug. Pop the plug out- Yes! The hole is threaded.
Back to the store. Oh, this light kit looks a little nicer. And this time I brought the metal piece with the threaded hole. Pop open the box, the two wires from the kit come out of a hollow bolt exactly the size of the hole in my metal cap. At last!
Get home- Still 10 minutes left on my lunch hour. Maybe I can pop this puppy up there now. It comes with some stupid fluorescent bulb, but here’s an incandescent instead. Let me just start by screwing that in the —-
AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! The fluorescent bulb they included in this stupid thing has a “G24 base” So I can’t put a normal bulb in it. And even if I didn’t hate fluorescent lighting – and I do, ooooooh I do – it CANNOT BE USED WITH A DIMMER!
It’s a miracle that there is not blood and brain fragments all over my guest room walls, because my head very nearly exploded.
This has been a metaphor for how nearly everything I have tried to do this week has gone.
Ok. That’s only two. I owe you three.